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“Orange is the New Black” recap (2.1): Thirsty Bird

When we last laid eyes on Piper Chapman, she was liberating Pennsytucky from a few of her teeth. Pennsytucky, drunk on religious and homophobic fervor had been attempting to shiv Piper with a homemade crucifix, while a spiteful Mr. Healy looked on. Piper was able to best her however, and all of Piper’s pent up anger, fear, frustration came pouring out as she pounded her fists into Pennsytucky’s face and the screen faded to orange.

In this Jodi Foster directed episode, Season two opens up in a familiar place for Piper: The SHU. A CO, demanding that she get her ass up, awakens piper. Piper is rightfully confused, as the days would all bleed into one another if she hadn’t created a handy little chart with red crayon. (It’s been about three weeks, fyi.) She scrambles as the CO barks demands and criticizes the “art” that Piper has created by smearing her breakfast on the wall. (Thirsty Bird, mixed medium. Cost: Two Twix Bars and a bottle of Pantene.)

The CO is not an art aficionado so he tells her to cut the shit and come with him. He asks if she has to pee before they leave, but Piper is in too much of a panic to plan her bladder strategy. She begs the officer to tell her where she’s being moved and if it’s because of Pennsytucky. Piper, just like the rest of us, is uncertain about Pennsytucky’s fate. For three weeks she’s been agonizing over her actions and she still doesn’t know the truth. She’s put into a van, then a bus, still unaware of where she is being sent. The guards seem to delight in her fear, and once seated she starts to flip the fuck out until the driver gives her a warning.

This triggers a flashback to when Piper was a middle schooler, and a strict rule follower. Her best friend tries to convince Piper to take part in the traditional pre-Christmas break jump from the back of the bus. The friend is convinced that following the cool kids will elevate their status come January, but Piper remains unconvinced. While most everyone else jumps, Piper stays behind. Even the bus driver is confused, but Piper is risk adverse. She tells him that her father taught her to have strength of character, not to jump out of buses like a jackass.

Back in the present day, Piper tries to get some answers from fellow inmates and officers, all the while nursing a very full bladder. The inmates don’t have a clue and the guards aren’t talking. A kindly inmate schools Piper on the world of “pee pads” for just such occasions. (In case you are wondering, it’s two maxi pads layered) Shortly thereafter, the bus arrives at an airport where the inmates are checked for contraband before boarding. The US Marshall in charge finds a razor blade under the tongue of a particularly punchy inmate, and she’s carted off. When it’s Piper’s turn, she begs for a bathroom break. She finally gets one when they board, albeit with the door wide open.

Piper is seated next to an inmate played by Lori Petty, who is kind of like your cool but kooky Aunt Barb, if Aunt Barb was a felon who smuggled Vaseline in her ear. Across from Piper is the razor blade carrying, spitting inmate, who is now wearing a Hannibal Lector-like mask. Piper and Aunt Tank Girl bond a bit on the flight as Piper confesses her fear that she’s being sent away for murder. Piper breaks down about the trauma of being pushed to her breaking point, and realizing there was something beyond it. Something scary and alien that she wonders has been inside her all along, just waiting to come out.

Piper flashes back again, this time to her tweens, where she and her friend Sara get an older boy to buy them tickets to Dazed and Confused. Sara is excited but Piper is concerned that the material might not be appropriate and could scar them for life. Her friend tells her to lighten up, and just then, Piper sees her father across the street. He’s with a strange woman whom he opens his car door for and kisses before taking off. It will be the first time in Piper’s life that the earth beneath her feet crumbles.

The plane touches down in order to pick up a crop of new prisoners. Male prisoners. One of the male inmates takes a shine to Piper, calling her First Class, and offering her a prime seat on his junk. Piper tries to sink further and further into her seat. The plane begins its descent and Piper finally finds out where she’s headed when she sees the skyline of Chicago.

She’s driven to a prison that makes Litchfield look like a prep school. I’m not entirely convinced that it isn’t the same prison from Oz. Male inmates perform custodial duties, and as she looks around, Piper knows she is definitely not in Kansas anymore. She’s still unable to get any answers about why she’s been moved, but she does get some new roommates. Unfortunately, she doesn’t make a good impression, as she unwittingly steps on the cell’s prized cigarette smuggling cockroach, Yoda. Dead he is, yes. She is ordered to find a new roach of the same size and temperament, or have her ass handed to her. In addition to Joyce, who appears to be the leader, Piper is sharing her cell with a sensitive redhead, an intimidating lady with tattoos all over her face named Felcia and Mazall (played by out actor Rebecca Drysdale), an astrologically obsessed lesbian with Warby Parker glasses. She tries to get Piper’s info so she can do her chart, but Piper is warned by the redhead not to give too much away.

Piper gets a chance to make a call and she leaves Larry a voicemail, letting him know where she is and that she is royally screwed. She needs his dad, the lawyer’s help desperately. Back in her cell, Joyce delivers a rousing rendition of “Natural Woman” whilst dropping a deuce, and berating Piper for her lack of a cockroach champion. Meanwhile, Mazall needles at Piper for her time of birth.

In a flashback, young Piper approaches her mother about her father’s affair. Her mother brushes off Piper’s confession and while fighting back tears, actually punishes her for going to see an R-rated movie. The Chapman Home, where denial rests its weary head.

Back in the Windy City, the inmates are sent out into the yard for “exercise.” If you’ve ever been in Chicago in February, then you know this is cruel and unusual punishment. While searching for a roach, she comes across a huddle of inmates that invite her to join them and keep warm. Auntie Tank Girl approaches Piper to say hi, which manages to irritate Piper’s new friends. Aunt TG and the group of women start to tussle, but not before Auntie TG announces that Piper is a murderess and not to be messed with. The fight intensifies as Piper stands there frozen. The guards break up it up and order the inmates inside, but not before Piper sees something she recognizes. A figure that she would know a million lifetimes from now, whose every curve and angle she has memorized. Piper calls out, “Alex!” and the gorgeous, be-spectacled figure turns to meet her gaze. The guards separate them even further, but now Piper has found a tiny bit of hope in this terrible, fucked up place.

Inside at dinner, Mazall stalks Piper for her birth time again, but Piper needs intel. Mazall lets her know that Alex’s unit only joins them for yard time and they won’t cross paths for another week. Piper spies the male inmate who propositioned her on the plane. She asks him to deliver a note to Alex, but he wants something in return. She offers a kiss, then a handie, but they settle on her dirty panties.

Later Piper wakes up with a wild eyed Mazall, perched on top of her. Mazall demands Piper’s time of birth, then licks her face. Makes one long for the days when someone would just pee on your floor, eh Pipes? Piper gives her the info, which makes her go away, much to Piper’s extreme relief. The next morning, Piper tries to play it cool when Mazall strikes up some astrological chit chat. Mazall mentions that people who end up in prison were usually led astray by dark forces. When Piper questions if that’s what happened to her, Mazall matter-of- factly admits that she bit off her girlfriends tongue and swallowed it. So yeah, you could say that.

A buzzer rings and Piper is able to GTFO of there. She walks into the cafeteria, and sees Alex waiting on the other side of the bars. Piper runs to her, beyond grateful to see her. She asks Alex to tell her if she is indeed a murderer, but Alex mercifully puts Piper’s heart and mind at ease. Pennsytucky is very much alive. Piper is relieved and finally able to snap into the reality of the situation. Why the hell are they in Chicago? Alex is surprised that Piper doesn’t know, but informs her that they are there to testify in their extradited drug kingpin Kubra Polik’s trial. Piper cries with relief until she remembers that she and Alex didn’t exactly leave on good terms. Alex can’t seem to hide the smile that creeps across her face, even though she likely wishes she could. She doesn’t hate Piper. They try to hug through the bars, but are yelled at by a guard. Out of the corner of Piper’s eye, she spies a massive roach, but it gets away before she can convince Alex to get it. The trial can start any minute now, and Alex warns Piper not to admit to knowing Kubra, for both of their safety. Piper doesn’t want to lie under oath, and her stoicism pisses Alex right off. Lying is the only way they can guarantee their safety, and that’s what Alex plans to do, whether Piper follows suit or not.

Flashback to little Piper and her nana, sipping eggcreams in nana’s kitchen table. Piper tells her nana about her father’s infidelity and her mother’s unusual reaction. Nana is like, Piper honey, that sounds exactly like the reaction your mother would have. When Piper brings up the wrong and right of it all, Nana gives her a kindly dose of reality. Sometimes you have to lie (or at least omit the truth) to protect the people that you love.

Piper and Larry’s father have their meeting to prepare for the trial, and Larry’s dad is not having any of Piper’s pleasantries, or even hearing about how she misses Larry. He’s there in the capacity of her lawyer and that’s all. After her meeting with Alex, she’s beginning to back-peddle on telling the truth. Larry’s dad informs her that her testimony is vital to helping put Kubra away, and that at this point, lying isn’t an option. When she arrives back in her cell with a roach she’s smuggled out in her bra, her cellmates deem the bug not worthy. Piper has had about enough of their shit and accuses them of making up the whole roach transport business. They lash back, telling her that they aren’t afraid of her just because she’s rumored to be a murderess. Before anything escalates, Piper is called to testify.

Piper and Alex ride in a van, handcuffed and facing each other in a very awkward. tête-à-tête. Piper tells Alex that she plans to tell the truth, a fact that does not please Alex. Even though their conversation is tense and colored by shades of their past together, there is still a little light that shines between them. Alex wants to keep Piper safe, but Piper knows that isn’t possible no matter what the outcome of the trial. It’s time to stand up, and do the right thing for once, Piper declares.

Piper takes the stand, and everything starts off according to the plan. Even with Kubra staring her down, Piper truthfully and clearly answers the prosecutor’s preliminary questions. That is until the door behind her swings open to reveal a clearly terrified Alex, who doesn’t realize that Piper can see her. When the prosecutor asks Piper to describe her relationship, Piper confesses that Alex was the love of her life. Then when the prosecutor asks if it was Alex Vause that introduced Piper to Kubra, she makes the decision to protect Alex. She repeatedly answers that she doesn’t recall to the frustrated prosecutors questions. Piper’s eyes tear up when he reminds her of her travels with Alex. When the prosecutor asks if she knows the penalty for lying under oath, she tells him dreamily, “I was there for Alex. She’s was what I paid attention to. Who I paid attention to. Everything else was just background.” And we all swoon to our deaths.

When Piper is returned to a small holding cell, Larry’s father confronts her. He reminds her that what she’s done could result in more charges or longer sentencing. She apologizes for disappointing him, but he’s more concerned that she’s a habitual criminal with no compunction for breaking the law or his son’s heart. “I made a decision that I don’t expect you to understand,” she tells him, so he washes his hands of her and leaves.

Piper flashes back to a time where she and Alex were very much enmeshed in Kubra’s life. Piper and Alex sit in a pool together, Piper placed upon her lap, Piper’s arms wrapped around Alex’s neck. They kiss and flirt, while Alex’s associates and Kubra joke and laugh. When Kubra gets an important call, Piper excuses herself to call her father for his birthday. It is then we find out that Piper kept with relationship with Alex a secret, a fact that Alex doesn’t seem to mind much. Secrets are sexy and intense…until they’re not. Piper chats with her dad, all while keeping up the ruse that she and Polly are traveling the world together, like two crazy college kids. She shares a tender moment with her father, who is concerned about her safety. She promises to walk on the well-lit side of the road, not talk to strangers, or jump out of buses, and certainly won’t fall in love with a dark and enigmatic drug dealing lesbian.

When the flashback dissolves, Alex appears stepping out of an elevator. She’s wearing street clothes, a fact that Piper doesn’t notice right away. Piper tells her former/future love that she lied for her, just like Alex asked. Alex rushes over to the cell and her words come out like a trainwreck. Alex’s lawyer persuaded her to tell the truth. Piper becomes agitated and confused, and notices Alex’s clothes. “Are you getting out?” Piper yells as Alex is pulled farther and father away from her. Alex begs for forgiveness and promises Piper that she will explain, but all Piper can do is assume the worst. “What the fuck did you do Alex!? What the fuck did you do?” Piper manages to scream as a roach with a cigarette tied to its back, scurries by her feet.

Orange is the New Black is available on Netflix.

Follow me on Twitter @danapiccoli

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